Thursday, April 07, 2005

more sighs

i almost forgot it was a wednesday yesterday. and it was my 9th wednesday visiting baclaran church. i made that promise the day i got my heart broken into a million pieces.

i left the office at 11pm. an hour to go before the day ends. for the first time after so many years i was forced to ride an ordinary bus to baclaran. it didnt matter to me that i have mahangin ba sa labas hair or that i'll be sitting next to suspicious looking characters basta i have to get there before the clock strikes 12. feeling cinderella. *lol* i made a promise and promises are meant to be kept specially if you are talking about giving your word to GOD.

i got there 1145. photofinish! There were a lot of people and i realized that it was the first wednesday of the month. plus they were having a vigil for the pope. while i was there kneeling, i just felt this heaviness in my heart again and tears started to swell from the corners of my eyes. i was blinking furiously. it was embarassing to cry in front of so many people. i dunno why i felt that way. is it the fact that i felt empty? or that ive taken care of myself for the past years that im longing for someone else to do that for me now? what is it that's missing in my life?

thats why sometimes i hate being alone. things echo in my mind. i believe in those moments i don't think, i just feel. im being too sensitive about myself. im trying to put up this damn great wall about me but it keeps falling apart. i dont want to be vulnerable. but the scars on my heart has left me an open target.

im sick and tired of feeling this way. i wish the anaesthesia they will use on me tomorrow numbs me for the rest of the week. hay. tama na nga muna ang lahat ng to...

friends wished the happiness i felt would be lasting, would be true. i wished that too. wishful thinking...

1pm April 8. wish me lots of luck.

3 comments:

beachbutterfly said...

hey patty.. tagal na ata ako di nag ccomment. whatever it is that's making u feel miserabe i hope it gets better soon. :)

Quentin said...

ahh, hope you don't get too hard on yourself. I've been in a WORSE situation than you.

yet I carry on, my heart will go on, and on, and on, and on, and on ...

jopen said...

..sabi ko nga, it's what they call "filtering"..God allows us to feel emptiness to allow Him to make us whole....and only He knows the right timing so just wait and have faith....