Monday, April 18, 2005

family reunion

i haven't been to one for some time now. since i've grown up with my mother's side of the family, i think i have adopted one of their traits, not relating too much to our other relatives, haha if you can call it that.

anyway, the reason we (my sisters and i) went to one because my paternal grandparents just came back to manila from the states a few days ago. they haven't stepped on PH soil since like 10 years ago. and the thing why going to see them is such a biggie is because i was going to see my father as well.

my father and my mom has been separated since i was in the 4th grade. the last time i saw him was i think grade 5. he wasn't much of a dad to me or my sisters. he made a lot of promises but broken each and one of them. by the time i was in highschool i was resigned to the fact that i don't have a father anymore. my mom, aunts, uncle and grandma did a pretty good job on me and my sisters. or so i say. :) though medyo sablay kay ate i think we're a pretty OK bunch of kids.

sooo...i saw him again after 15 years. it was the oddest and most awkward moment in my life. he didn't look like the father i last saw in elementary. he looked old. and as my younger sister put it, he looked sad. sad in a way like he lost his shine, his debonaire image. to say it bluntly, pardon me, he looked pathetic. my other aunts say my grandparents still support him. he also takes care of my lola's businesses here. yet he doesn't have anything to show for it.

i didn't know what to say, what to feel. i think i just uttered one word sentences to him. or mostly "ok lang." it felt like i was talking to a stranger. when he would walk by i would whisper to my sister "look busy!" so he wouldn't stop and chat with us. most probably what i felt was disappointment. he was the same irresponsible father we had years ago. or maybe even worse. he was proudly saying to anyone who would listen that we were his daughters. i had to laugh. here he was so beaming with pride about who we were, what we have accomplished yet he didn't have anything to do with it at all. not one single bit. shouldn't he be more, i dunno ashamed of himself?

i have to give my grandparents a tour of the station one of these days. and i'm pretty sure he'll be tagging along with them. and i'm absolutely dreading the moment. even though he's my flesh and blood, i don't think i'm his daughter any more.

am i evil for thinking this way?


cherry-flavored ampalaya said...

being a parent is more than just biological, there's the emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspect as well. as a father, he was absent at the time you were shaping the person you were to be so its understandable that he feels alien to you.

while he does have a lot to make up for in the parenting department, try not to be too hostile. give it some time. let him know that you aren't happy for his major shortcomings and try to see if he'll make up for it. you may not ever become "dad of the year" material but at least it could get rid of some of your animosity.

PS. either i just channeled oprah or dr. phil but my bitter-tainted views were put on hold for a brief span of time :)

poison ivy said...

mare, for all you know, deep inside, he regrets what he has done, he's just not too man enough (as ever!) to admit it. one day, mare-reunite din kayo, he's your father, umpisahan mo na patawarin sya now pa lang, before its too late.

cherry, kahit yung text mo sakin last sunday... medyo un-cherry, hahaha! nawala ang bitterness?? pero kahit na, hindi ko pa din yata kaya kalimutan yun :)

tinawjj said...

whatever your dad's shortcomings may be, he IS still your father. the only one you'll ever have in this lifetime. i won't tell you how to feel or how to act. what i will tell you: whatever you do, make sure that it is not something that you will regret later on in your life.

cherry-flavored ampalaya said...

tama ba namang reply-an kita dito, ivy? hehe.

Oist. I can be profound naman when the spirit moves me. and unfortunately, I'm one of those people who are better as writers than speakers.

Anyway, Patty, I hope you snap out of this blue funk you've been under. It's not healthy.

dc said...

talk to him.. and get to know him. You won't regret it..

eventuallypretty said...

thanks for all your wise words.

i just think i'm not ready for that yet. time will tell.