Weird

I wonder if it's with the Christmas season fast approaching or if this is an extention of my "emo" phase which started since last April.

There are instances when I'm supposed to be happy, yet I am feeling sad.

Like right now. I should be feeling good about myself but I feel like I shouldn't have done what I just did.

No regrets? I do have regrets.

My own treasure map of boy-lets

Hmm..it's been a while again since I last wrote here. So what's new with me? Well, nothing much has changed. I'm still dating Guy A. I'm still also seeing Guy E though its somehow gone too complicated. I cherish the three weeks we were ... good together. Guy D is somewhere around in the maze...though not consistently. Then there is Guy F, whom I've become pretty good friends with. I share with him my boy troubles. Haha. Then there's Guy G, who's threatening me with a kiss. I have yet to meet him. Oh and my ex likes to ask me about Kpop mp3 downloads on YM. What's up with that?

So many boys, so little time, right?

But I'd rather have one serious boy, than have a sometimes here-sometimes there bunch.

Seoul Searchin

I haven't been writing around here for a while. The events for the past few months have been a little blurry but what's most important was making a dream of mine come true.

Ever since I got hooked on Korean TV and music, it had been one of my goals to visit Seoul and wallow in the country's culture. And this I did last Oct 15 to 24, after years of pondering about it.

I was on a high during that 10-day vacation. Money was an issue before I left, but once I got there, worries about it ceased, even for a while.

And now, I'm back to the real world to face my life once again. Seoul had seemed surreal and I know I have to go back there sometime soon.

I have more stories to tell. But for now, this shall suffice as a bookmark to what has transpired.

Clean slate

And so who's left on the list?

I'll get back to you on that. Seems like I've made wrong decisions once again. Me and my reckless heart.

I am too effin' afraid

That's my favorite word of the moment. Effin'.

I am too vulnerable. I am to chicken. I am scared.

I feel it's too good to be true. And I'm retreating to a corner where I feel I am safe.

But I fear, I have already stepped inside the battle field.

How do I defend my self without getting hurt in the process?

And add to that the effin' Korea trip is bleeding me dry ...taking the words out of his myspace status.

I am too emo these days. Happy, sad, scared.

Is this serious or what

I've been pondering about things since Saturday.

And I can't help but feel happy and scared at the same time.

How do I get myself into this situations? Really!

Back to being vague again. Hala...

How do I get myself into these things?

Guy E. Well, what can I say?

It's really gotten complicated.

Welcome to the world of dating.

So this is what the saying 'so many men, so little time' means.

And then another one...

I'm going out with a new guy -- Guy E (can you still keep track?) -- tomorrow. Guy A also asked me out. As usual last minute stuff. But I turned it down. Victory? Uh...how come I don't feel like a winner? hahaha...

And that little black number I wore last Sunday at the ball will be the death of me. It's getting me into more complicated stuff. Ayayay...

A high school crush

I feel like a high school girl with a crush. Badette set me up with her boyfriend's friend I will now name Guy D. And I super like his eyes. And he's a pretty nice guy too.

And so now, we've progressed to being textmates. :)

I guess this is what you people are telling me ... about keeping options open. Specially now that Guy A has told me that I am free to see anyone I like. That was a bit of an ouch factor for me.

Well, I like Guy D. So there. A little competition won't hurt.

Four years

I used to anticipate the 28th. I looked forward to special times. Special moments.

But tomorrow will be different.

For it will be just another ordinary day.

I am not impressed anymore

Guy A, you're losing my interest...

And with your 'statements' lately...

I'm getting a bit bored over here.

Mixed emotions

Talking to a friend about the events that transpired last Saturday has gotten me more confused than ever.

If he's even unsure of THAT thing, what more on his feelings for me...that is what my friend is thinking. I was told not to focus on what Guy A was feeling but instead focus on how I am feeling.

Her opinion struck me. I dunno why it just made sense.

So what am I feeling? I feel numb. And embarrassed. And sad too.

Ang swerte mo Guy A ha, you're taking up a lot of space on my blog lately.

And the plot thickens

In my drunken craziness after my boss' party, I went online at 3AM just to chat with Guy A. And with me a lil bit loosened up, I managed to persuade him to hang out with me Saturday. He told me when we had dinner last Thursday that we might not see each other over the weekend so I was feeling a bit victorious.

Saturday afternoon rolls along and he suddenly texts me he might not be able to make it. So I think, what else is new? I was so tempted to reply just 'ok' but i threw in a sad emoticon just for the heck of it. Well, well, he suddenly calls me up and tells me he was joking and would be dropping by by 4.

Coincidentally, my sister had some friends over and they decided to go to the mall. So when Guy A arrives we were alone in the apartment. Our painting session soon moves to a steamy make out session hahaha. But we stop because he tells me we might be moving a bit too fast. At first I was like 'wha? what's happening' and then I slowly come back to earth. And I realize he was right. And I'm glad we did stop before things got more complicated than it already is.

My realization for today

Oh-kay. To recap, the past three days are indeed quite a challenge to me. Sunday was heavy with all that I learned about my mom and her problems in the US. Monday was the same. And today was draining.

Someone disappoints. Someone turns bratty on me. And Randy asks me how I am doing. What the hell was that? Adding more insult to injury. As Manila told me, "You have no right to ask me how I feel."

And now I feel that sometimes friends, despite the time or distance, are the only people you can really rely on. Not family. Not even boyfriends or boyfriends-to-be.

The rain ruined my Saturday

Me: Anong gusto mo tignan?

Guy A: Ikaw.

Me: Ikaw?

Guy A: Ikaw. *grin*

Guy A was supposed to come over today but because of the strong downpour, we just hung out at the mall, talked over coffee for around three hours. He asked me what else I wanted to do. Well, what is there to do inside the mall?

Then before the rains get any stronger he suggested we go home early. Eh. I still wanted to spend more time with him. But did I speak up? No. I just let him hold and kiss my hand again.

Oh he mentioned na it's good that I'm opening up to him now. So was I too quiet all this time? It's hard to put my guard down with our "situation".

So where is this all going? Still the same old question.

And I so wanted to kiss him. Pfft.

And then he calls again...

And to continue with my saga with Guy A, he calls.

And for the 4th time he confirms our Sunday movie.

And finally I see him again.

And then it's back to regular programming.

Cancelled on again

Oh I sincerely wanted him to win. However, what I don't like about him qualifying into the next round is that I get to be bumped off some other indefinite day. And I feel it's even my fault for having work on Sunday.

Sorry for my sarcastic reply. I just couldn't express nicely how really disappointed I am.

If he doesn't get in touch again, well then that just goes to show that he doesn't really like me that much.

Ps. After a few hours, he calls me up and says we're pushing through with our movie date tomorrow. goodness...

PPs. He called me this morning to cancel again. Something came up once more regarding the tournament. Why o why am I not surprised?

If you're not taking the 6 p.m. slot, I'm giving it to someone else

So I'm not gonna write in cryptic today. And why is that? Because so many things have been happening to me in the past few days. Yes, the angsty Patty is back with a vengeance.

Let me start off by saying once again, that I am not the most patient person in the world. I am also admittedly not the most organized person in the world but I like my schedule to be pretty accurate.

Alright, with that off my chest . . . I am going to be honest in saying yes I am back in the dating scene. And for a couple of days now, I can say that I have been pretty unhappy about my dating life. There are indeed a couple of guys lined up at my door. Not to boast but mind you I have been pretty picky about selecting who I am gonna go out with. There are guys who would text but not push through. There are guys who would really ask me out but fall short of expectations. With my adventures in dating for the past few months, I can fairly say that the book "He's Not That Into You" has now become obsolete, for guys have completely changed their dating strategies.

Okay take for example Guy A. He passed my first requirement and we quickly progressed to being constant dates. I was thrilled because we had a lot of things in common and seem to be thinking on the same wavelength. However, as we began to proceed to our nth date, things have become pretty unclear. He's acting like we are a couple when we are out on dates but he's treating me like a buddy when we are not together. Also looks like he's put me at the end of his priority list, asking me out lately on last minute dates. And not following through. You think, why shouldn't I just ask him where our dating status is leading to. But at the end of the day, one must realize that he hasn't made a move to take our relationship to the next level because of his inability to commit to anything related to me. So why should I be that demanding lil bitch who isn't even his girlfriend right? Don't get me wrong, we both have been clear that we are looking for serious relationships from the very start. I like this guy a lot. Well, I guess he doesn't like me that much. I'm not yet that important enough to make a dent in his social calendar.

Then there's Guy B. Guy B is someone from the past, an old flame should I say. He's been a topic on this blog before. Well silly old me looked him up in facebook and tada! We're instant textmates and seems like the 'spark' is still there. Can you feel another however coming up? However, he already has a girlfriend of two years. But that doesn't stop him from asking me out again. Tempting really. He's definitely fun to be with and quite yummy as I described him to a friend. But since my break-up, I have vowed not to go out with guys who are already committed because hey it also happened to me and I wouldn't want to be the girl on the other end. I pity his girlfriend really. And the other girls whose boyfriends have also hit on me.

Now, last but not the least is Guy C. He's four years muy junior and a little bit (okay, a lot) on the immature side. He does things that peeve me like using text speak when chatting (wer r u) and call me on the phone unexpectedly. What's weird about Guy C is that he's already asked me to be his girl eventhough we haven't met each other face to face. Yup, you read it right. I have told him endless times that I have to meet him first and go out with him to know my answer to his 'mahiwagang' tanong. It was a condition of mine that I would never ever break for anyone. I think he has finally getting the hint (after endless chat sessions where he would just ask me if I would be his girl and me replying no each time). He's thinking of asking me out but on the condition I would tell him if I'm okay with him or not as soon as the date ends. Oh and he also told me that it's okay for me to date other guys even if I do agree to be his girl. But he'd totally be faithful to me. Oh-kay.

The thing in common with these three guys and the others who have 'asked me out' is that they are very vague with the specific day and time they would want to go out with me. I remember Badette's rule of not going out with a guy who has asked her past Wednesday because it meant that she's just an after thought for the weekend. I am not that strict with my asking out rules but I am getting pretty peeved with all these vague dates. With Guy C however I was blunt in saying that I want him to give me specific details of our date. Don't just ask me what time I go to or get off work because my line of work is also unpredictable. I can say that I go to work from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. but that can change because of meetings, presscons and such. However, I told Guy C that if he did tell me something definite, I will be able to manage my schedule, juggle some stuff and make exceptions for him. And he understood. And he has yet to give me a sure day of our date. Hah!

Long story short, I'm tired of guys taking me forgranted. I even told Leah that sometimes I want to rebel and go back to the old me. Maybe I'd be having some fun instead of being this prissy girl getting walked on like a doormat by these guys.

Well one thing is for sure. I won't be twiddling my thumbs at home waiting for their call.

So what now?

Feels like another dead end.

So what is a girl to do?

Time to reassess...everything.

I am disappointed, believe me.

*I want my money back...

I want my money back...

Just enjoy the show...*

Why am I writing in cryptic still?

Probably because everything I'm feeling

Is still all jumbled up inside.

Saturday afternoon

I liked how he hugged me close and gave me a lingering kiss on top of my head.

He makes me feel special.

Even for awhile.

Darn it

I wanna run...smash into you...

Beyonce on repeat in my ears.

I promised I'm going to be just 'chill' about it.

I'm cool.

So darn tired

I feel so sleepy.
Probably because I've been staying up real late at night for the past three days.
And I'm still in the office until now.
Pouring everything in work and chatting with friends.

Because I don't want to think about YOU.
But then again since I've written this entry, so I am thinking of YOU.

I know.
It's crazy.
Because I don't want to hold back.
And it's getting harder to do so.

Rushing leads to incompleteness

That's what my horoscope today told me.
And I completely understand what it is saying.
It means that I have to be patient.
And trust Him.

On the other side of the news,
I admit I was bothered with the picture of Miffy Randy posted on his page.
The words 'I miss my bunny' burned.
Flash back of "movie scenes" of what could happen.
But in reality I know it would not happen.
With him it would never, ever happen.
I think my heart knows better this time.

The healing has begun

I dunno how I managed to keep my head above water.
But I did.
Strong hands lifted me up.
Friends pushed me in the right direction.
Someone has placed a band aid on the gaping hole in my heart.
And somehow I'm smiling again.

The truth revealed

i could not believe that he did that to me.

it's now over.

after he promised to always be with me

i have never felt so alone in my life.

I cried again last night

It is now officially two weeks since he last spoke to me. Four weeks since I last saw him. I thought I had stopped crying about it yesterday but the pain just became overwhelming again last night.

I keep on asking myself how can a person love you one day and not love you the next?

I am praying fervently everyday to God, not for us to reconcille but for him just to talk to me. Even if he tells me to let go at least I'd know it's time to move forward.

The world has moved forward without me

I am still hurting from his refusal to talk to me.
I cry each time I think about it.
I have cried myself to sleep for the past week.
I wake up each morning to realize that he's not there and I cry again.
And here I am trying to write what I'm really feeling
But it seems I can't put the feelings into words.
I thought I would never feel this kind of pain again.
I was wrong.
For now it is worse.
I feel like dying.

Is this the end?

You're the one thing I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall, I will lie awake
You are my shooting star.

Woosh

"When a relationship stops growing, it withers."
-Sara Sidle, CSI


Ouch that hurt.

Eggplant toes and the Webbys

I went nail polish shopping last Saturday and were there a lot to choose from! I first contemplated on going to old reliable Face Shop to buy that hot pink color I've been wanting to get for the longest time. But Pi told me she found this secret place (hahaha ask me where) that sells cheap polish but has more color choices. So here I am wearing flip flops on a Monday, sporting egg plant colored toes (and finger nails).

Oh and before I forget, ABS-CBN.com won Best Entertainment Site at the 11th Philippine Web Awards. A reward for no-day off weekends and breaking news updates. :))

Hope Team.com survives another year! (hanep sa segue di ba?)

My first fancy cupcakes

I remember receiving these box of goodies during my 25th birthday from Liezel and the other Tec mods. The cupcakes looked too wonderful to eat. But eventually my friends and family and I ate the stuff and it was yummy. Until now I still think of these fancy cupcakes during my birthday. So probably these cakes also inspired me to make some of my own.

Ok, so this is my first venture into fancy cupcakes. I went all out for my friend Thess' birthday. Actually she was my little experiment hehe. I was scared of doing frosting at first and when I saw Wilton ready made icings in tubes (P119), I bought one (pink) to see if I could decorate my cupcakes using icing.

However, It was obvious that one tube would not be enough to frost almost 2 dozen cupcakes so I really had to try making my own frosting. I didn't like my frosting to taste too vanilla, so I added tons (spoons heheh) of cocoa powder to the mix and somehow it came out okay.

The Wilton icing also had an okay taste, not too sweet, not too overwhelming. Will try another frosting recipe next time too.

I hope Thess liked her birthday cupcakes.

Dumbfounded

I was a kid sucking contentedly on my lollipop

and they took it away.

Taste testers, get ready!

Finally, I bought my first oven! And to start testing my baking skills, I baked my first batch of brownies. Although it came from a box (Hershey's Ultimate chocolate) it came out just right. So yung mga volunteer taste testers diyan, humanda na kayo! ;)