wounded and hurting

i thought i was ok. but im not.

i hate the feeling of being fooled. and not completely knowing why.


im learning lessons in my life. and im learning it the hard way.
i always fall for the wrong kind. and suffer so much pain.

but i only have myself to blame.

foolish games

it was the worst christmas ever.

i had to put on a face to pretend i was all sunshine.

i was right. i was playing another game.
i had a game for my birthday and a special game for christmas...whats in store for valentines huh? ...

my wish for 2005 peace of mind and a happy heart.

the 3 point play

i should quit analyzing. im going nuts. i haven't slept a wink in 2 days. or this could be karma. i dunno. maybe being a player isn't so much fun after all...cause suddenly you think everyone's playing games with you. or is it that i joined the game with the intention of winning yet in the end realizing that you have to earn a few losses, have a couple of fouls and suffer injuries before you feel the taste of victory? kulang kasi sa training. sumabak na lang and immersed myself in the game...

maybe its a curse. *lol*

ay enough of the thinking. maybe ill just give it my best shot.
may cheering squad naman ako at my back... *lol*

love-zero

i was thinking of what to title this entry. and the movie wimbledon and tennis came to mind. love is a game. so i therefore conclude that my score is love-zero. haha magulo.

its really fun to laugh with friends. talking to 'charlotte' is always such a big relief, for i know im not going to be judged, made fun of or scoffed at. and she always finds my 'love stories' hilarious. or i just make them fun enough so as i or them take my 'heart adventures' not so seriously.

but then again just when i thought i was joining the SMP (Samahang Malalamig ang Pasko) for the 26th time, someone takes me seriously. he says im his and he's mine but then again i still have my doubts. why does my heart always doubt so much? im still afraid of getting hurt so i don't give in entirely. charlotte tells me im becoming like a "guy" when it comes to relationships. well experience is the best teacher. and i learn to adapt. so if you, my SO read this please forgive me for not giving my heart fully.

it hurts to fall.

oh today was the talent center christmas party. i got my hello kitty bag yehey! but i didnt win the i-pod. shucks.

pieces of me

i got this from maoui david's blog. it speaks of what im thinking of now. im still hope tortured. but i do believe that he doesn't know that i feel about him this way. and that he's hurting me. im pasting together the broken pieces of me, to be a bit shiny and new somehow. hopefully the cracks don't show much, this girl with a broken smile. oh im watching how to lose a guy in 10 days and kate hudson said this line a while ago..."You can't lose something you never had..." ouch right through the heart! *lol*

just wanted to share this to you people, though maoui i made a little twist at the end...

im not gonna give in
im not gonna fall
whenever its you who finally calls
this time its over
im keeping my heart
im gonna be strong
and not fall apart
it will get better
ill no longer cry
in a couple of weeks
i wont want to die
i wont go back
ill be able to sleep
it wont hurt so bad
and it wont strike so deep
im convincing myself
find someone new
i wont be alone
BUT i wont be with you...

my t-shirt is on display

my sis and i joined the hello kitty design a tee contest. i wasn't expecting to win or anything. just something to do to flex my creativity in. i haven't done anything artistic for the longest time -- that is if you exclude my writing as something 'artsy'. i think i lost my drawing hand. *sigh*

anyway all the participants got their work on display. so both my sister's and my entry are on display at the hello kitty exhibit at the glorietta 2. its titled "flower girl" and this is what it looks like:



keep an eye out for it. its in one of those thingys that turn... :)

i didnt win anything but its funny-happy seeing it there. :)

hope torture

you definitely learn stuff on TV everyday.

the sappy bunch of us tc girls most of the time stay later than usual to catch lovers in paris when its 'alanganin' for us to go home. the kilig moments usually get the shrieks and giggles -- even the married ladies do this *lol* -- but the one dialog that got me was the one shared by vivian last friday.

hope torture -- 2 people who like each other return the same amount of feelings they have for one another. If the guy gives his love to the girl this much, the girl should also give the same amount of love back. But if the guy or girl does not return the same feelings to his or her partner and does not return a clear signal, what he/she is doing is hope torture. The guy/girl gives hope to the other person, which becomes something that person holds on to.

i am being hope tortured *lol*
jopen says i just analyze things too much.
sabi ko nga!
*toink*

road trip nanaman

went on a crazy road trip to tagaytay the other night. mas natutuloy pa ata madalas yung mga trips na biglaan. haha. was supposedly going to antipolo and hatid lang namin si grace sa bahay nila sa susana. and then nikki makes a call to nhila, which gets us invited to her house sa san pedro and then the dare to tagaytay. thess was so mad at us for leaving her behind. pero it was fun! tawa lang kami ng tawa all the way there. and sarado na halos lahat ng stores when we got there--which was about 2am na! so we ended up going to casino filipino, had a picture taking session sa wide steps nya and giant christmas tree and then filling up on bulalo and tapsi sa isang 24 hour resto/carinderia a few meters from the casino. got home at 5 am na.

sa kakatawa namin kinabag na ata ako. sabi nga ni nikki naku baka sobrang saya natin may kapalit naman to kinabukasan. bullseye. badtrip ako the whole day. and i was sooo sleepy!

hay its already a week since the storm. i already miss him. :) but i dont think he does me. and i feel my heart is gonna get broken into a million tiny pieces once again.

my revenge is bitter sweet

it was hero's birthday celebration at market market today. it was part work, part lakwatsa. but somewhere in the middle of it all, my psyche just went from 90 to 40. it was probably written all over my face since everyone was sort of asking me "why the long face?".

i just realized something about this person. i was so blinded by my enthusiasm that i failed to see what this so called friend really was. and the more i interact with him, the more im hurting myself. he's not worth my time but why cant i just dismiss him?

i told tina revenge was sweet. but i discovered that it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

maoui, guys really are just jerks.

quite a storm

what a storm thursday was. strong winds, rain and warm coffee. oh don't forget the good company. you'd start to forget what's happening just outside the glass windows.

its quite exciting clashing with the forces of nature. :)


ps.

and revenge is indeed sweet. 1:1 na kami. *lol* i mean how could he do that to me? feeling!

second best...

welcome to the world of sabits. haha...and im not talking about sandara's rejoice commercial. janice and i were talking about this a while ago. and just laughing at ourselves really. almost but not quite the same situation kame. dagdag mo pa si nhila. we're all in 3 different levels *lol* why cant guys be...argh and keep on bothering us 'angels'. im trying to be good na nga all the time. waaahh...sabit magnet!

i got a text a while ago which made me happy (making me title an email to a friend "balitang makahagis cellphone") and at the same time also piss me off. yes i was bad trip half of the day. and add to that getting buried in 4 days worth of newspaper monitoring. wala na akong ibang nagawa the whole day. and may continuation pa tomorrow. sheesh. im practically asleep on my feet. had to be cheery for an hour or so. and so many wishes on my mind but oh well its the same thing all over again. hay i never learn talaga. manic monday.

i feel so tired. physically and emotionally. when will i be the first? hindi pampalubag loob, back up, takbuhan pag may problema/kailangan lang, pampalipas oras, text mate/ubos load... when will i be the one and only?! ba't ba ang reklamo ko today haha...

dont mind my rants guys baka kung ano nanaman isipin nyo...

makagamit na nga ng rejoice. maybe then wala nang sabit *lol*

the list i'm posting below i got from my bulletin board. Ideal guy. Now where do i find something like this? Decent guys are a rarity these days. That is in my opinion. If any one of you endangered species happen to read this and fit any 10 requirements below (yes no one's perfect), just post your contact number or email in the comments section thank you *lol*.

25 Things That An Ideal Guy Would Do
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.

so i made a boo boo

well the t.e.c mods can say they have seen it all from me. hahaha had a major posting error in my yahoogroups. now 14 people know about my 'so called' love life. and the thing now is ang daming phone in questions! *lol*

to the curious mods, malaki na tayo you know what im talking about. *lol*
now im just laughing at myself. as i've said i may look like an angel (kapal) but im no angel :)

shall i...?

life has to take a major pause at some point.

ive always put others before myself. my mom, my sisters, my friends, work. and in the process of it all i seem to have spread myself too thinly and i've lost touch of who i really am. maybe its about time i think about myself for a change. its a difficult choice to make, a difficult chance to take...

when the self is at stake, a decision to take one important step could almost make your breathing stop....

tension

There was tension in the air. you can feel it. actually we have been feeling it since yesterday. It was just a rumour last thursday. but ricky lo's article confirmed our fears. now everyone's worried about their positions, their jobs. i'm not so worried, probably because we as employees can't do anything about it. as of now we dont even know the reason why they did it. but it's sad to see our bosses that way. talent center has always been one big family. when i was new there i immediately felt being drawn into the talent center way of life. and sometimes the bonds that we have built with one another is one of the reasons why we stay there even if we have a lot of bullshit to say about our jobs. and if the one person who holds all of us together goes away, i think the castle might just crumble.

its hard not being able to control things. but as they say change is inevitable.

i still haven't found what i'm looking for

i got a message each on myspace and friendster. the former i had sort of mixed feelings about it happy yet sad and the latter was teeny tiny weird. oh dear alma matter you are the cause of all these. well im not going to make a fuss about these because to fuss is to analyze and to analyze is to make this people figure in my life which i don't want to happen. talk about confusing.

MTV's playing in the background and they played this U2 video from their Rattle and Hum Album. U2 is one of my favorite bands and hearing Bono's soulful voice, made me think, what the hell am i looking for?


I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
U2

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for
But i still haven't found what i'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertipsIt burned like fire
This burning desireI have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for
But i still haven't found what i'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes i'm still running
You broke the bonds and you

Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know i believed it

But i still haven't found what i'm looking for...

good monday

i did not expect to be seeing a familiar face from college. he was a sort of crush in college.

and it was a good afternoon :)
too bad he's taken.

i couldn't help myself

i made up with him. i just couldn't fight it. and now jopen, joy and nhila are laughing at me. haha...im also laughing at myself. seems attached na pala ako more than i realized. which is quite dangerous.

its sandy's party just a few hours ago. and half of my mind was drifting off to him. so here i am 5 am in the morn and still online. talking.

A dare?

my bulletin board is flooded with this at friendster. seems like evryone wants to have a kiss *lol* might as well get some here too hahaha... just kidding :)

KISSING GAME Dare to kiss? this is pretty fun and very interesting, so I'll pass it on. Question is, who really has the guts to reply, no matter who gets this: If you would like to secretly kiss the person who posted this bulletin, reply to them with the msg "i would like to kiss u." or "mwah" If not, just re-post your own bulletin to see who secretly wants to kiss you

wishful thinking

im always like that. i see a little ray of sunshine and i get hopeful. but i have learned anyways and haven't fallen that hard. i've learned to live in the moment. and not to ask for anything more. so you don't get to have your heart trampled on.

december na. wala pa din winner. hahaha just kidding.

the best i ever had...

vertical horizon rocks :) im grinning from ear to ear. im not expecting anything or hoping for something. if this is it im ok. if theres something more, thank you GOD. :)

im sick

as in really sick. that was why i was feeling so tired yesterday...so to the girls sorry for not being able to complete the circle hehe...excited na ako for tomorrow. i hope magaling na kooooo...

my theraphy

was bored. so i spent. i was pissed. so i spent.

1 bayo shirt
2 vcds
2 cds - best of vanessa mae and utada's exodus
1 teen vogue- cover kirsten dunst

can you calculate how much i spent?
lol its like mathinik shopping episode!

but the vanessa mae and utada cd's are the ultimate highs.

getting bored/angry is dangerous...

starting over...HERE

i'm gonna post here now whatever i post at my space. i dunno this seems to be less confined, more appealing to me.

i'll be posting about 4, one after the other. im copying the november part of my old blog. cause i can't really copy 90 postings here and not get tired. *lol*

keep in touch, comment whatever you like. im sharing you my life. :)