I seldom write for myself these days. My words are often used up by work. Words are my tools to survive -- literally and figuratively. However sometimes when I write or speak, my words pierce like an arrow shot from a skilled hunter's bow.
And then at times, I choose to be silent. But then some people take this silence too as something as hurtful.
I am a non-confrontational person. I am stubborn. You can't force me to do something I don't want to do. I deal with problems when I feel it's really affecting my life. I walk away when it's hopeless. I stop fighting when the pain is too much. My mom even said to me that I've become indifferent. I guess it's my way of coping up with things.
I'm generally a peace-loving person. And I respect family, friends, and their truths. I deal with important issues. Not insignificant ones. I try to understand people as much as I can but if I feel you've over-stepped your boundaries, I choose to become passive.
I apologize to those who I have hurt with my words. I never intended to.
Time heals all wounds they say. This might even be water under the bridge in the future. But for now I prefer this distance.
Got this piece of advice from Paulo Coehlo's blogs' comments. Seems appropriate.
Sky
June 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I don’t think people who are deeply wounded by another ever really forget. Their trust, their innocence, has been betrayed and leaves a permanent mark.
I think very few, if they are honest with themselves can say that there is a way to return to the Eden of their original innocence before the betrayal, which is what it means to truly forget. A residual impurity remains, a scar on our hearts where the light no longer shines through. Some call it wisdom or consciousness but is it? If we “chalk something up to experience” have we really moved on? Alternatively if we do something to the person that hurt us does it really bring justice?
Perhaps the key is how we allow the experience to affect our “self”. By forgetting or attempting to bring justice do we create a barrier that keeps the soul outside of the self? It is a dangerous place to be…to separate from the source. We feel weak because we can’t feel whole, so we search and connect with false power sources that spread inside us like a virus fueled by stealing the light out of our soul.
As you say in ‘By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept’ once exiled from the promise land, there is no way “to prevent the suffering of someone who wishes to return to paradise before it is time to do so.” And as Carl Jung says, in the ‘Red Book’ “Should I tell you everything that I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life.”
We live with it because we have no choice. I cannot forget and I will not attempt to bring justice. Who am I to judge right from wrong or attempt to change things from unfolding as they should? Compassion is what I want to feel, for myself, for him, for everyone that takes risks and experiences the pain. Perhaps it is through compassion that I will find my way back to the source and once there, stay connected, give it light, bring light to other dark places inside and outside of my self. That is why I am still here. Nothing else matters except faith and compassion and knowing the truth: that “I must live this life”, that there is no other way.
