An old note

Was deleting old files when I came across this written on notepad. I wonder where else I posted this first. LOL. Just some thoughts on loving/having a relationship.

I love with all honesty. I don't measure who loves who more, it's better to love freely without basing it on some thought that your partner must love you more than you do. I love giving gifts and trinkets even if there is no special occassion. I am opinionated, but I won't force my ideas down your throat. I have learned that men don't mind read and I now speak out when I'm hurt, happy or angry. I easily adapt to and appreciate my partner's interests and hopefully he will not find my own interests weird. I'm not the type of girl who asks for their partner's FB, YM or email passwords, nor do I check his phone messages or call logs. We are individuals after all when we meet and I still believe we are entitled to privacy. I feel strongly that respect and trust is essential to any relationship. I cook and bake, just don't ask me to do general cleaning or the laundry.

But, you never really know what else you can do for love. Mahirap magsalita ng tapos.

More sillyness

Paaarteh!

It's been quite sometime since I partied with my old Star Magic friends. And I'm glad I was able to go to Joy's birthday bash before the start of the PBB season and have my entire social life vanish for four months.

I haven't laughed that hard. Or danced that wild. I couldn't stay till 5Am as Joy wanted the party to end this morning. Grace had to go home ( I was taking the cab home with her) and I actually have to rest my weary head. I wish I can write more of the fun, but my brain again refuses to cooperate at writing something more lengthy than this. Oh well, at least I had a glass of margarita before we left.

Here's a pic of me and Tracy before the wild dancing started. LOL.

Uhh...

How come I'm confused now? It's like someone placed a stop sign in my face and I've put my foot hard on the break pedal , enough for me to almost have my face immortalized on the windshield.

What if I can't go forward? Paano kung hanggang dito na lang?

I realized girls can be equally cruel.

Maybe sleep can make me think clearer. See ya in a few.

On toxic people

I seldom write for myself these days. My words are often used up by work. Words are my tools to survive -- literally and figuratively. However sometimes when I write or speak, my words pierce like an arrow shot from a skilled hunter's bow.

And then at times, I choose to be silent. But then some people take this silence too as something as hurtful.

I am a non-confrontational person. I am stubborn. You can't force me to do something I don't want to do. I deal with problems when I feel it's really affecting my life. I walk away when it's hopeless. I stop fighting when the pain is too much. My mom even said to me that I've become indifferent. I guess it's my way of coping up with things.

I'm generally a peace-loving person. And I respect family, friends, and their truths. I deal with important issues. Not insignificant ones. I try to understand people as much as I can but if I feel you've over-stepped your boundaries, I choose to become passive.

I apologize to those who I have hurt with my words. I never intended to.

Time heals all wounds they say. This might even be water under the bridge in the future. But for now I prefer this distance.

Got this piece of advice from Paulo Coehlo's blogs' comments. Seems appropriate.

Sky

June 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

I don’t think people who are deeply wounded by another ever really forget. Their trust, their innocence, has been betrayed and leaves a permanent mark.

I think very few, if they are honest with themselves can say that there is a way to return to the Eden of their original innocence before the betrayal, which is what it means to truly forget. A residual impurity remains, a scar on our hearts where the light no longer shines through. Some call it wisdom or consciousness but is it? If we “chalk something up to experience” have we really moved on? Alternatively if we do something to the person that hurt us does it really bring justice?

Perhaps the key is how we allow the experience to affect our “self”. By forgetting or attempting to bring justice do we create a barrier that keeps the soul outside of the self? It is a dangerous place to be…to separate from the source. We feel weak because we can’t feel whole, so we search and connect with false power sources that spread inside us like a virus fueled by stealing the light out of our soul.

As you say in ‘By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept’ once exiled from the promise land, there is no way “to prevent the suffering of someone who wishes to return to paradise before it is time to do so.” And as Carl Jung says, in the ‘Red Book’ “Should I tell you everything that I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life.”

We live with it because we have no choice. I cannot forget and I will not attempt to bring justice. Who am I to judge right from wrong or attempt to change things from unfolding as they should? Compassion is what I want to feel, for myself, for him, for everyone that takes risks and experiences the pain. Perhaps it is through compassion that I will find my way back to the source and once there, stay connected, give it light, bring light to other dark places inside and outside of my self. That is why I am still here. Nothing else matters except faith and compassion and knowing the truth: that “I must live this life”, that there is no other way.

Summing up August

Soaked at the 30 Seconds to Mars concert

My friend Bambie and I planned to watch the 30 Seconds to Mars concert at the Trinoma months ago, after we booked our The Script tickets last April. However, the tickets were expensive and Bambie was the only one who forged ahead with our plan.

Fast-track to today. Yesterday morning, I settled to listening to the band on Youtube the whole day to make up for not going to the concert. But by 5pm, Bambie texted me and she met this girl in line at the concert venue, who had a spare gold ticket. I was excited but I asked if the girl was selling her ticket, since I didn't have the budget to buy one in the first place. Shocker of my life came next because Annalyn gave me her ticket for free, which she got as a complimentary ticket from her employer. Thank you, thank you!

I rushed to the venue, and I didn't realize we were that close up front. It started to rain. Really hard. And by the time Kwan (the front act) began, we were standing in the down pour for three hours, soaked to the skin. By 9pm, Jared finally appeared on stage with the band. The crowd was ecstatic. Love, love, loved all the songs and how Jared was so gracious to everyone for waiting for 5 freaking hours in the rain.

I only had my lousy phone cam with me and the shots I had of the band were real bad. But the experience was awesome and I can now say I've been to a real concert of an international band, jumped up and down in the mosh pit, with my hair plastered to my face and my clothes dripping wet from the rain, from my cardigan to my underwear. :)

Words from a friend...

To be betrayed is be slapped in the face a hundred times and after which, you still couldn’t believe he could do

such a thing to you!

Why? How could he have done this after all that you’ve been through? These are but few of the questions you ask as you try to understand his reason for hurting you.

You then remember all those years you spent together: all those happy moments, and all those rocky times you were able to overcome. What’s the worth of it all now? All those wasted years you could have spent with someone who could have really loved you.

Wasted. Wasted laughters. Wasted tears. Wasted love.

That’s how badly you felt. And yet, is love ever wasted? Where does love go when it gets sent to the wrong person?

No matter how broken and betrayed you may feel right now, know that love is never wasted. To be able to love another person is to be blessed with an opportunity to know the meaning of life, the real value of our existence. It’s not the one who has loved the wrong person who has truly lost something. It’s to be given authentic love and not receive it that is the greatest misfortune.

It’s unfortunate how many of us fail to recognize the love that is being offered to us. We seek for love but never recognize it when it arrives. We crave for it only to reject it if it doesn’t come in forms we expected it to be.

If we only knew what’s being offered us, we’d have respected it. But we are often not aware of it, and we hurt the ones who really loves us so.

In order to move on, believe that it was never a waste to love. It has enriched you as a person and has equipped you with the capacity to love the right person when he arrives in your life. The one who hurt you may not have intended to cause you pain, but he has yet to grow and learn what love really is so he can recognize it when it comes to bless his life again.

To love is to risk, and to risk is to lose sometimes, to get hurt. But let it not deter you from loving again, from being happy. We can’t always understand everything that happened, but we can accept that not everything is perfect in this life. The people who have hurt you may not have intended to cause you pain. Hurt people hurt people, and more often than not, they hurt themselves most of all. Let God take care of these people. Let God be the one to continue the love you have planted upon their hearts.

Let go of what you can no longer keep. Protect what’s still worth keeping. Believe in love most of all.

Thanks again Joy, for the inspiring words.

More :(

I feel played. Ginago at ginagago mo ba talaga ako?

My birthday cake

Thanks Team Entertainment for the cake as always.

Being Dalja

Today, like one of my favorite Korean drama characters, I turned 33. Maybe I should get a fake boyfriend like Dalja did. Or not.

Everyone asked me what I was doing at the office. What else is there to do anyways, on a Friday work day? Besides, there are a lot of things that needed to be accomplished, might as well spend time wisely.

My birthday will be celebrated again in 2 weeks anyway when I go to Cebu. Thanks to Chelo. Oh and Chel, thanks for the dinner too. It made my birthday somehow special. :)

Chose the Dalja art with an umbrella. It rained buckets today too.

I have a life to live...

‎"If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering."

-Paulo Coelho

Swim...

I'm drowning myself in work. And I'm starting to panic keeping myself afloat. I may have taken on more than I can chew...

Ano ba tong pinagagagawa ko...

The day I first met you

Last year I wrote that he has made me very happy. Now, it's just plain sad.

Changes

Just received good news from a friend. After a major fight with my sister yesterday, I somehow feel there is finally light coming from the end of a dark tunnel.

From my teacher

"The first and third noble truths of Buddhism teaches us that life is suffering and there is a way to end suffering: detachment. As all things must come to an end for a new beginning to take place. And they say the first step to getting somewhere is to decide that you will not stay where you are. I will be leaving my current place wiser and hopefully a better person in order to move forward."

From my Korean language teacher Marian. Inspiring words. Hopefully I can say all of this too. Soon.

Ugh.

"...I hate the feeling that I can't do anything about something when I know I could but shouldn't..."

It's not the end of the world...

The world was supposed to end at around 6pm yesterday. However I didn't even thought about it when I said yes to two dates today with friends old and new. My high school best friend Glody messaged me the other day and asked me to lunch in Eastwood. Sadly our other best friend, Kristine didn't respond to her message so it was just the two of us. We had a great laugh as always and it was great hanging out at her place, which I was surprised to know she had. We are all grown up after all. I just can't help but remember us three gushing over Teen Beat Magazines at Glody's parents' house or ordering pizza so we can get to see the cute delivery guy. Sometimes I wish things were as simple as we were in high school.

Then early evening I met with the Pex peeps. We decided to watch Fast 5 and have a few drinks after near my place. The movie was great (the action scenes were pretty exciting) and we had a nice time chatting over a few bottles of beer. I was also glad Maggie was there. We knew of each other's problems and although we didn't discuss things at length, we understood what the other felt deep inside. Knowing it's time to laugh even though we feel things would never be the same again.

People always try to predict the end of days, but for me this day only proves that it's not hard to guess that I have great friends whom I can rely on when I need them.

It's 3AM Sunday. The world is still here. I'm still here.

I miss this

One of the best feelings in the world is when you ’re hugging a person you love and they hug you back even tighter.

Today...

I wanted to hold your hand. But I know it would hurt me more... I just clenched my fist and smiled. I'm fine. Just fine.

Lonely

I'm so lonely...

Of fingers and eye glasses

Ouch. My finger got caught in the elevator a few minutes ago. These things have sensors supposedly but as I tried to stop the door from closing on someone, my middle finger got caught. I thought it broke. It's painful. It's actually stinging still. I think it's gonna have a bruise later.

Met up with old friend (yeah i call him that) yesterday. We're now both wearing glasses. Funny how I was shy to show up wearing my nerdy glasses and he shows up wearing his too. Had fun. Same old vibe. Good times.

PS. my finger is swelling now. :(

It's raining

Nerdy

My new glasses. Finally resigned to wearing glasses for the meantime. I miss my contact lenses. And the thin, no glare, uv protected lens are so expensive. T____T. But I'd rather wear glasses than go blind. So welcome the nerd back.

Dinner tonight

I bought this in Taiwan last year. And I forgot I still had it. It still tasted alright. I just ate a few pieces though. It packs a whopping 441 calories/bag. Now I feel like I gotta run again.

Aigoo

Relationships Are Fragile

This is an excerpt from an online friend's blog, where I often go to and read to get some peace of mind. Thanks again Joy for the words of wisdom.

Relationships are fragile. The reason why we often hurt more the ones who love us most is because we do not realize this.

We take for granted the people who are always there for us and we care not to be as careful with their feelings as we are with people we hardly know.

A careless word. A negligent irrespectful act. We often think we can get away with anything when we are with the people who love us.

While it is true that they will extend to us their utmost understanding, it is also true that they are but human beings after all.

They get hurt. And they get hurt the most by the people they love the most.
Relationships are fragile. It is far easier to protect it and to take care of it rather than to mend it when it is already broken into a million shattered parts.

Must we spend our precious time trying to gather the broken pieces? Or should we rather spend our moments checking our tongues, saying words of encouragement, holding the hands of the people who truly matter to us?

Relationships are fragile. They are gifts to be cherished and protected and taken care of as much as we take care of our own hearts.

Strangers

A lot of people have urged me to watch this. Ugh. *tear*

Everything said is true though.

More than 10 hours

I'm just about to leave the office today. I have been here since 9am for a seminar. I just remembered that a while ago when an officemate mentioned on facebook that I have been here like forever today.

Because of our final presentation to the Execom tomorrow (will be facing the gods), we had to finish and polish our team report. And our managing director said, we are the only team chosen to present in Olympus. Pressure right?

Then I still had to finish stuff needed for the site tomorrow. Hence, I'm just about to shut my PC down.

Oh and I have to be here again by 8am. In a spiffy outfit.

The things you do to forget heartbreak.

TTFN.

Well Done

Saturday

Someone asked me out. I said yes. But said no last minute. I can't force it. Maybe I'm not just ready yet.

I still think of you.

Words in my head...

You had my heart and soul, but you paid it with a beating...

Retail therapy

:((

After I lost my ID, my wallet gets stolen this time.

Ang malas ko talaga.

Monday blues

If you want to know how much I love you, try catching raindrops; the ones you catch are how much you love me, and the ones you miss are how much I love you.

Hurting

“Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should. When someone you’ve promised to cherish forever says, “I never loved you,” it should kill you instantly. You shouldn’t have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn’t know.

“Sometimes when our friends ask us if we’re okay, we tend to lie, because we know that telling them the whole story is just going to break our heart once more. So we might as well just lie and say we’re fine.”

I don't know

I don't know what I feel right now after seeing you and making a fool out of myself (again). I told Leah I was crazy for doing this. She said it's like a relapse. Binat in Tagalog. Forcing yourself into doing something, thinking it's better or will make you feel better. But in the end, you still feel bad inside, going back into that feverish state wishing you were well.

She asked me how I am feeling. She says she knows how hard it is to make one's self feel better and yet fall apart again. And you're not really helping either. She said I made you feel loved again. And yet you made me feel more unloved.

I didn't even feel like I was with a friend watching a movie. You didn't even ask me how I was. Why I changed my mind. And why I came.

So... I don't know what to feel.

More lessons from Bob Ong

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya."

2."Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

3. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

4. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

5."Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo."

For a change...

I'm posting something good today. Attended a three-day seminar mandated by my boss. Only three of us from our team were sent plus three other people from two more teams. We had to present something for our division heads at the end of the seminar and despite stressing over it this morning, we were asked to expound on our ideas more and present it to the big bosses. We didn't even get dissed. Weeee! And everyone congratulated us for a job well done. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to put this moment in so when I read back, I'd see even a small happy thought in my entries.

Unlovable

A new friend shared with me this Thai song. Describes just about everything I feel.

UNLOVABLE - MILD

Well, I know that I'm insignificant, and I know I can't be much
However longer, the more hopeless it is
When you never turn to look at me
And though there's never a day you'll be interested
And I know regardless of how long, you might have to leave me


But right now I still have time to let myself search for a good reason
To stop you right now, but I know full well it's hopeless
Even though no matter how much I love you
I know you probably won't be interested
I still dream and I still hope inside my mind that someday you'll have me
But I know it can't be
When you think I'm nothing, but it's okay
I want to ask to have you always in my heart for a long time...


And even though the things I do today might not be able to make you feel good
The things are enough to only bother you
I want to ask you to listen well
To the final lyrics I want to dedicate to you
That I sifted out from my heart and have to give you alone


I don't know how much longer until I can remove you from my heart
Until the good memories can fade away
Until I'll be able to love someone else again...
When you think I'm nothing
But it's okay, as long as I'm still breathing,
I'll love you forever...

Buzz

It startled me. I was editing at work when you buzzed. What was that? Every time you do that, popping out of nowhere with your casual hi-s, I get panicky. Frustrated. I don't know what to do. And you know what I always end up doing?

I cry.

Because it hurts.

Can't you understand that? I want you in my life, but not this way. The way you want it.

I want to get well, heal, move on. But you won't let me.

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
with every goodbye, you learn...

Don't You Remember

Rok shared this song with me. She says it reminded her so much of me. T___T

Don't You Remember - Adele
When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

:((

Every night as I walk past the park in front of our apartment, I could not help but wish to see you sitting there waiting for me.

But I know you won't. It's just wishful thinking.

:(

If you can't have me completely in your life, can you please just let me go?

apart

he waits for her to understand
but she won't understand at all
she waits all night for him to call
but he won't call anymore

he waits to hear her say forgive
but she just drops her pearl black eyes
and prays to hear him say, 'i love you'
but he tells no more lies

he waits for her to symphatize
but she won't symphatize at all
she waits all night to feel his kiss
but always waits alone

he waits to hear her say forget
but she just hangs her head in pain
and prays to hear him say no more
I'll never leave again

how did we get this far apart?
we used to be so close together
how did we get this far apart?
i thought this love would last forever...

I tried...

I baked some cupcakes tonight to try distracting myself.

But then I couldn't help but think how you would like this. I gotta stop :(

What is there left to say?

I couldn't look back as I started to walk away from you. Because the tears were starting to fall. I tried my hardest to be strong during lunch.

I knew it would be the last.

Landslide

I haven't watched Glee for sometime now. And this is the first time I really liked a song from the show which I played over and over again. It's an old Fleetwood Mac song. It was a really touching scene on the show. I also shed a tear when I played it again on youtube. It's just so sad. Similar to what I'm feeling yet again.

Took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I'm getting older too, well

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes bolder, children get older
I'm getting older too, well, I'm getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe
The landslide will bring you down

Melancholy still...

Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won’t do the same.

Why can't I walk away?

...when you know you tried hard and lost it, gave it a shot again then tried harder but lost it again, but again gave your hardest with your last shot of claiming, but it still rolled out of your hand... then... it's time to give up... No guilts, no regrets, when you know you gave your all and everything was not just meant to be... :(

kahit sobrang sakit na, hirap na hirap pa din ako pakawalan ka. gusto ko na maging masaya, pero...paano yun ikaw yung saya ko? ang tigas talaga ng ulo ko.

Blurry

Everything's blurry to me lately figuratively and literally. My eyes are having problems again and as of now I'm writing this entry with my face just 4 inches from my monitor.

I'm trying my hardest to get moving with my life. I'm using all my strength just to get up everyday. And put on a nice, decent face for my mom to look at. I'm happy that she's here but I'm also anxious to get my privacy back. So I don't have to pretend I'm okay. A friend told me yesterday after hearing what happened, "Sana di mo na lang nakilala ano?" I don't really know what to answer at this point.

Here's the song that's currently playing over and over again in my head since last night. I really should stop listening to these things...but I can't help it. I hope someday my heart will cease to try understanding his heart.

So I put on my make up put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me everything is ok
I'm laughing cause no one knows the joke is on me
Cause I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face...

new look...?

Maybe...

I'll just dream of you tonight...

I'm feeling sad again. I don't want to cry anymore.

Everyday is a struggle...

Closing Cycle by Paulo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

I should stop listening to sad love songs.

One step at a time...

Hindi mahirap umibig...

pero mahirap magmahal... at higit na mahirap ang magmahal ng tapat at totoo.

I should learn this

If we spend too long holding on to the one who treats us like an option... well miss finding the one who treats us like a priority...

Talking to myself, about you

I am trying to understand everything. I've analyzed every word, every action. You're just afraid of change. That you won't know who you are if you suddenly feel something different. But change is inevitable. Change can also do you good. Make you better than what you already are.

I can't really put into words what I think you feel. You've mentioned one time that you have this sudden dependency on me. And you quickly shook that off, saying it shouldn't be happening.

I should have seen this coming. But I'm not going to try to change you. Because I've loved you for who you are, what you are. I just hope one day you'll realize feeling this way isn't so bad after all. That you can be happy by loving another person. And at the same time still be you.

I gave you all i had but you tossed it in the trash...

am i such a bad person to be deemed a waste of time?

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

A discovery from you

Watching Chibi Maruko Chan now brings tears to my eyes. Her innocence will always remind me of ...

Table for one

For a few months, she has been coming back to the place where they first met. The waiters have deemed her a regular already knowing she would always order that sugar coated dried squid and red iced tea. She said she told him it was her favorite. Then she'd eat it very slowly with the wooden chopsticks deliberately to pass the time.

She'd sit on the same table, watching people walk by. Intently starring at the top of the escalator, looking if a familiar face would appear. She'd check on her pocket mirror from time to time to see if her lipstick was alright, remembering how he took notice of her ruby red lips the day that they had met. He was dazzled he admitted when they finally became a couple, three days after. He said she was more pretty than her picture, more than he had imagined. He planned to leave after lunch, thinking he was tired and grumpy from grueling days at work. But he invited her to a movie too and another date the next day. then also on the following day.

But then when hours pass, she'd slowly lose the light on her face, sipping the remains of the melted ice in her plastic glass. She'd grow anxious, looking at her watch, sensing another day is about to end. She wondered where he could be, what he's doing. Does he ever remember when he told her that he wanted to be with her always. If that was ever at all possible.

A few months after, they would meet there again. She'd be in tears. He'd be offering her his handkerchief. Unable to look in her eyes. He told her they should stop seeing each other for a while. He needs time to think. He needs time for himself. She knew they might not see each other again. She handed him a gift, something she'd saved up for his special day. Thinking this day would not ever come. Her friends told her he was rather selfish. But she understood him and she just let him go.

But now all alone she comes back. She did not stop loving him and with the littlest of hope, she returns to the place where they first met.

She'd stand up when the waiters ask her if she wanted anything else for they were taking final orders. She'd decline politely and pay for her bill. They know she'll be back again next Saturday, to wait for him. For she knows, this is where he'd always find her.

The end where I begin...

Sometimes we have no other choice but to walk away.

Before the worst

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

Let's try to take it back before it all went wrong...

To the one who calls me Chipotle

Although you're real far away from me now.

Even though it hurts.

I love you.

Picture fun in Taiwan Storyland

We learned of Taiwan Story Land from a blog and seeing they had fun picture taking there, my sister and I decided it is a visit worthy spot. Fortunately it was near our hotel, about a few blocks walking distance. It's at the B2 level of the K-Mall, situated across the Taipei Main Station. It's a theme museum of Taiwan after the Japanese occupation 1950s-1970s (and it explains why Taiwan had so many Japanese restaurants) and it's a real interactive place, where you can play pretend being in the era.

We passed by Storyland the first day, but it was closed due to the storm.

This is Storyland's 'mascot'. He's kinda cute isn't he?

The photo above is sort of the apparel street while the one below it is a toy/candy store. The ticket to Taiwan Storyland (priced at NT280) includes coupons that will let you purchase toy, food and other souvenirs sold inside the different themed shops.

We had to take a picture of this ancient product sample. What do you think does it do? LOL.

Here, Pia and I pretended to be students. She's the lazy one, while I was the teacher's pet.

More pretend fun for me -- left by the bus, knowing how to ride a scooter and hanging out with locals. Camwhoring is real fun in this place.

And since we had been accumulating a lot of coins (change everywhere), Pia and I decided to get a souvenir photo at a japanesy photo booth located inside one of the rooms.

The tour just took a few hours unless you really want to do editorial shoots it would take a whole day probably, specially if you've got a bunch of friends with you. If you love picture taking and cute novelty stuff, then Taiwan Storyland is a must-visit.

I want to hold your hand

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It´s such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide...

:(

I need peace of mind and heart

I should be excited with a trip I'm going to in a few minutes. But all I could think about is the silence. Got this prayer from Joy, a writer friend, who's always there to help with her words.

Prayer for that special someone

I want someone who will think about me first when shopping for his Christmas gifts,
and who envisions a life with me in his future years.
Someone who gazes at me as though I were
the most precious thing he has,
and seeks to feel my hand whenever I’m not there,
I want someone who treasures each moment he spends with me
each laughter shared, each adventure taken, each lesson learned throughout the years.
I want someone who thinks fondly of me before he goes to sleep
and thinks about me again when he awakes
who finds meaning in what we have,
and who looks forward to all that we have yet to discover
in life, and in each other.
I want someone who sees the real me
and loves me just the same.
I want someone who can grow with me
and who is happy in seeing me grow.
I want someone who can be intimate with me
and yet is strong enough to set me free,
so I can be the best of me.
I want someone who can make me smile,
and who smiles in turn because of me,
someone who can make me a more loving person,
a stronger person,
someone who is neither selfish nor insecure
and someone who will love my loved ones with me,
who will be strong enough for me
when I can’t be that strong anymore.
I want someone who has a life of his own
yet is able to weave it gracefully with mine.
Together we will create a new and more beautiful life together
not that we’re empty without each other
but that together, we will fill up each other’s cup until it overflows.

This is my prayer for that someone,
and may God who knows my heart better than I know mine
grant that which is most beautiful of all!

Walking around the Taipei Zoo

I'm jumping days ahead of our other "tours" and will be writing about our journey to the Taipei Zoo. We took the Wenshan-Neihu line from the Main Taipei station where the last stop was the zoo (so it's easy to find). We went there comparatively early at around 9 o' clock because our flight back to Manila was also that evening. According to Wikipedia, the Taiwan Zoo is currently the biggest zoo in Asia. Since the zoo was really huge and we had time constraints, my sister and I decided to just visit the animals which we wanted to see, which includes the panda, the lion, the elephants, the koala and the penguins. If I visit Taiwan again, I'm going to go to the zoo again.

Breakfast at Dante's Coffee. The food was surprisingly good!

The longest escalator ride I have ever been on.

The entrance of the Taipei Zoo. Wearing sneakers for a comfy trek.

And the kinds of zoo poop greet us. rotfl.Which ones do you prefer?

The anticipated panda sighting. There are viewing times for the panda, which was handed out to us when we purchased our tickets. It confused us to what it meant at first but we finally figured it out and was able to see the panda in the nick of time.

And here are some of the elephants we saw. And they liked showing their behinds a lot. Lol. All of our elephant pics were like this.

And the zebras were like this too. hahaha. I suggest you bring an umbrella when visiting the zoo. It can get real hot and sticky. We were already 'wilting' when we got to the "Africa" section.

We found solace from the heat inside the "South Pole" section of the zoo. I love penguins. I find them cute, in the same category as rabbits, pandas and koalas.

This baby seal wanted to go home with me. Sadly I was already short on NTs and the white fur will be all gray and dirty in Manila in a few weeks time.

By this time we were very tired (the ice section is also way, way up the zoo's map) and we were literally dragging our feet. So riding the train to where we started was such a relief for our very tired soles.

The koala bear's glass viewing area is usually the first stop in the zoo. But the koalas were hiding when we arrived. So we checked them out again before we left and there they were. Lazily eating and hanging on the tree branches.

Before making a mad dash to the subway (we had a plane to catch) I really had to make this funny pose.

And our last meal in Taipei was at a food court near the hotel. And we also bought and ate special Mister Donut bears for dessert. Again. :)