Imagine this

The words ‘I don’t know’
Echoed in my head
Like the sound of silence
When I dialled your number
Or wrote you a letter
Everytime I close my eyes
To sleep
I die countless deaths
While feeling hot tears roll down my cheeks
Reminding me that I am still breathing
Before the alarm sounds
I roll out of bed to tell myself
I am awake but I really need to dream
My fingers fly
Writing you words of sorrow and love
Yet my heart plummets
Remembering your empty promises
Calling myself stupid
For thinking that maybe
Just maybe
There is something left of us.

I choose to celebrate the Chinese New Year...

instead of Heart's Day.

According to Cherry, I need to find a 'dog friend' as a lucky charm for the year of the tiger. So where do I look for that?

Things with the new guy aren't working out. He's a nice guy and all but the heart's not really into it. I don't want to settle. I hate that.

I've met a lot of new friends lately. And this one special person. He makes my heart beat fast. But we're friends. Very good friends. It's been sometime since I've had this kind of friendship. Hope it lasts for a long time.

So, no heartaches, no heart breaks this V-day.

Hope you don't get yours all too excited or too cracked up.

I'm gonna mope around work tomorrow. Let's see what happens.

Tikoy anyone?

new dilemma

New year, new guy, new dilemma.

a super nice guy. however, he doesn't meet your standards. you go out. you know he likes you. but you don't feel the same. you think hard. and then again.

if you say yes, could you be settling? if you say no, you turn out to be a villain. and here i thought conventional 'ligaw' will be much, much easier.

hello

well it's the new year and i'm down with allergies. and i realized that i'm allergic to apples. which is quite sad. i'm asleep most of the time since sunday and i hope i manage to go to work again tomorrow.

everything's quite complicated with guy e now. and i think the end for us is near. sad yet maybe liberating.

i wish i can find him soon. loneliness just gets the better of me sometimes.

Weird

I wonder if it's with the Christmas season fast approaching or if this is an extention of my "emo" phase which started since last April.

There are instances when I'm supposed to be happy, yet I am feeling sad.

Like right now. I should be feeling good about myself but I feel like I shouldn't have done what I just did.

No regrets? I do have regrets.

My own treasure map of boy-lets

Hmm..it's been a while again since I last wrote here. So what's new with me? Well, nothing much has changed. I'm still dating Guy A. I'm still also seeing Guy E though its somehow gone too complicated. I cherish the three weeks we were ... good together. Guy D is somewhere around in the maze...though not consistently. Then there is Guy F, whom I've become pretty good friends with. I share with him my boy troubles. Haha. Then there's Guy G, who's threatening me with a kiss. I have yet to meet him. Oh and my ex likes to ask me about Kpop mp3 downloads on YM. What's up with that?

So many boys, so little time, right?

But I'd rather have one serious boy, than have a sometimes here-sometimes there bunch.

Seoul Searchin

I haven't been writing around here for a while. The events for the past few months have been a little blurry but what's most important was making a dream of mine come true.

Ever since I got hooked on Korean TV and music, it had been one of my goals to visit Seoul and wallow in the country's culture. And this I did last Oct 15 to 24, after years of pondering about it.

I was on a high during that 10-day vacation. Money was an issue before I left, but once I got there, worries about it ceased, even for a while.

And now, I'm back to the real world to face my life once again. Seoul had seemed surreal and I know I have to go back there sometime soon.

I have more stories to tell. But for now, this shall suffice as a bookmark to what has transpired.

Clean slate

And so who's left on the list?

I'll get back to you on that. Seems like I've made wrong decisions once again. Me and my reckless heart.

I am too effin' afraid

That's my favorite word of the moment. Effin'.

I am too vulnerable. I am to chicken. I am scared.

I feel it's too good to be true. And I'm retreating to a corner where I feel I am safe.

But I fear, I have already stepped inside the battle field.

How do I defend my self without getting hurt in the process?

And add to that the effin' Korea trip is bleeding me dry ...taking the words out of his myspace status.

I am too emo these days. Happy, sad, scared.

Is this serious or what

I've been pondering about things since Saturday.

And I can't help but feel happy and scared at the same time.

How do I get myself into this situations? Really!

Back to being vague again. Hala...

How do I get myself into these things?

Guy E. Well, what can I say?

It's really gotten complicated.

Welcome to the world of dating.

So this is what the saying 'so many men, so little time' means.

And then another one...

I'm going out with a new guy -- Guy E (can you still keep track?) -- tomorrow. Guy A also asked me out. As usual last minute stuff. But I turned it down. Victory? Uh...how come I don't feel like a winner? hahaha...

And that little black number I wore last Sunday at the ball will be the death of me. It's getting me into more complicated stuff. Ayayay...

A high school crush

I feel like a high school girl with a crush. Badette set me up with her boyfriend's friend I will now name Guy D. And I super like his eyes. And he's a pretty nice guy too.

And so now, we've progressed to being textmates. :)

I guess this is what you people are telling me ... about keeping options open. Specially now that Guy A has told me that I am free to see anyone I like. That was a bit of an ouch factor for me.

Well, I like Guy D. So there. A little competition won't hurt.

Four years

I used to anticipate the 28th. I looked forward to special times. Special moments.

But tomorrow will be different.

For it will be just another ordinary day.

I am not impressed anymore

Guy A, you're losing my interest...

And with your 'statements' lately...

I'm getting a bit bored over here.

Mixed emotions

Talking to a friend about the events that transpired last Saturday has gotten me more confused than ever.

If he's even unsure of THAT thing, what more on his feelings for me...that is what my friend is thinking. I was told not to focus on what Guy A was feeling but instead focus on how I am feeling.

Her opinion struck me. I dunno why it just made sense.

So what am I feeling? I feel numb. And embarrassed. And sad too.

Ang swerte mo Guy A ha, you're taking up a lot of space on my blog lately.

And the plot thickens

In my drunken craziness after my boss' party, I went online at 3AM just to chat with Guy A. And with me a lil bit loosened up, I managed to persuade him to hang out with me Saturday. He told me when we had dinner last Thursday that we might not see each other over the weekend so I was feeling a bit victorious.

Saturday afternoon rolls along and he suddenly texts me he might not be able to make it. So I think, what else is new? I was so tempted to reply just 'ok' but i threw in a sad emoticon just for the heck of it. Well, well, he suddenly calls me up and tells me he was joking and would be dropping by by 4.

Coincidentally, my sister had some friends over and they decided to go to the mall. So when Guy A arrives we were alone in the apartment. Our painting session soon moves to a steamy make out session hahaha. But we stop because he tells me we might be moving a bit too fast. At first I was like 'wha? what's happening' and then I slowly come back to earth. And I realize he was right. And I'm glad we did stop before things got more complicated than it already is.

My realization for today

Oh-kay. To recap, the past three days are indeed quite a challenge to me. Sunday was heavy with all that I learned about my mom and her problems in the US. Monday was the same. And today was draining.

Someone disappoints. Someone turns bratty on me. And Randy asks me how I am doing. What the hell was that? Adding more insult to injury. As Manila told me, "You have no right to ask me how I feel."

And now I feel that sometimes friends, despite the time or distance, are the only people you can really rely on. Not family. Not even boyfriends or boyfriends-to-be.

The rain ruined my Saturday

Me: Anong gusto mo tignan?

Guy A: Ikaw.

Me: Ikaw?

Guy A: Ikaw. *grin*

Guy A was supposed to come over today but because of the strong downpour, we just hung out at the mall, talked over coffee for around three hours. He asked me what else I wanted to do. Well, what is there to do inside the mall?

Then before the rains get any stronger he suggested we go home early. Eh. I still wanted to spend more time with him. But did I speak up? No. I just let him hold and kiss my hand again.

Oh he mentioned na it's good that I'm opening up to him now. So was I too quiet all this time? It's hard to put my guard down with our "situation".

So where is this all going? Still the same old question.

And I so wanted to kiss him. Pfft.

And then he calls again...

And to continue with my saga with Guy A, he calls.

And for the 4th time he confirms our Sunday movie.

And finally I see him again.

And then it's back to regular programming.