Blurry

Everything's blurry to me lately figuratively and literally. My eyes are having problems again and as of now I'm writing this entry with my face just 4 inches from my monitor.

I'm trying my hardest to get moving with my life. I'm using all my strength just to get up everyday. And put on a nice, decent face for my mom to look at. I'm happy that she's here but I'm also anxious to get my privacy back. So I don't have to pretend I'm okay. A friend told me yesterday after hearing what happened, "Sana di mo na lang nakilala ano?" I don't really know what to answer at this point.

Here's the song that's currently playing over and over again in my head since last night. I really should stop listening to these things...but I can't help it. I hope someday my heart will cease to try understanding his heart.

So I put on my make up put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me everything is ok
I'm laughing cause no one knows the joke is on me
Cause I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face...

new look...?

Maybe...

I'll just dream of you tonight...

I'm feeling sad again. I don't want to cry anymore.

Everyday is a struggle...

Closing Cycle by Paulo Coehlo

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

I should stop listening to sad love songs.

One step at a time...

Hindi mahirap umibig...

pero mahirap magmahal... at higit na mahirap ang magmahal ng tapat at totoo.

I should learn this

If we spend too long holding on to the one who treats us like an option... well miss finding the one who treats us like a priority...

Talking to myself, about you

I am trying to understand everything. I've analyzed every word, every action. You're just afraid of change. That you won't know who you are if you suddenly feel something different. But change is inevitable. Change can also do you good. Make you better than what you already are.

I can't really put into words what I think you feel. You've mentioned one time that you have this sudden dependency on me. And you quickly shook that off, saying it shouldn't be happening.

I should have seen this coming. But I'm not going to try to change you. Because I've loved you for who you are, what you are. I just hope one day you'll realize feeling this way isn't so bad after all. That you can be happy by loving another person. And at the same time still be you.

I gave you all i had but you tossed it in the trash...

am i such a bad person to be deemed a waste of time?

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

A discovery from you

Watching Chibi Maruko Chan now brings tears to my eyes. Her innocence will always remind me of ...

Table for one

For a few months, she has been coming back to the place where they first met. The waiters have deemed her a regular already knowing she would always order that sugar coated dried squid and red iced tea. She said she told him it was her favorite. Then she'd eat it very slowly with the wooden chopsticks deliberately to pass the time.

She'd sit on the same table, watching people walk by. Intently starring at the top of the escalator, looking if a familiar face would appear. She'd check on her pocket mirror from time to time to see if her lipstick was alright, remembering how he took notice of her ruby red lips the day that they had met. He was dazzled he admitted when they finally became a couple, three days after. He said she was more pretty than her picture, more than he had imagined. He planned to leave after lunch, thinking he was tired and grumpy from grueling days at work. But he invited her to a movie too and another date the next day. then also on the following day.

But then when hours pass, she'd slowly lose the light on her face, sipping the remains of the melted ice in her plastic glass. She'd grow anxious, looking at her watch, sensing another day is about to end. She wondered where he could be, what he's doing. Does he ever remember when he told her that he wanted to be with her always. If that was ever at all possible.

A few months after, they would meet there again. She'd be in tears. He'd be offering her his handkerchief. Unable to look in her eyes. He told her they should stop seeing each other for a while. He needs time to think. He needs time for himself. She knew they might not see each other again. She handed him a gift, something she'd saved up for his special day. Thinking this day would not ever come. Her friends told her he was rather selfish. But she understood him and she just let him go.

But now all alone she comes back. She did not stop loving him and with the littlest of hope, she returns to the place where they first met.

She'd stand up when the waiters ask her if she wanted anything else for they were taking final orders. She'd decline politely and pay for her bill. They know she'll be back again next Saturday, to wait for him. For she knows, this is where he'd always find her.

The end where I begin...

Sometimes we have no other choice but to walk away.

Before the worst

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

Let's try to take it back before it all went wrong...